Giving up, and walking away.

I sometimes find it fun to think of the stages in my life, as episodes in the style of the TV show Friends. So far, these episodes haven’t been that interesting. ‘’The One Where She Loses Her Bank Card For The Fourth Time’’ or ‘’The One Where She Tries To Be Cool And Skateboard But Runs Over All Of Her Fingers’’ these wouldn’t be the hit, rememberable episodes. However, this has changed because right now I’m in the middle of filming the most current episode; ‘’The One Where She Gives Up’’.

If I’m being honest when I look back at my past episodes this one will certainly not be in the top ten. I’m in the middle of learning to be okay with that, not every single episode can be a hit. Sometimes the production doesn’t go to plan, the actors aren’t hitting their cues, and the star of the show decides that this episode is not the right one for them, it just doesn’t fit into the plot. When I started the episode ‘’The One Where She Moves to London’’ I thought this would be the greatest episode yet, but instead it was a flop.

This time last year I was miserable but got through knowing that at the same time the following year, I would be living my dream life in London. Oh, how future Jade was looking down and laughing as I drove for my eight-hour shift at a supermarket, daydreaming of this ’dream’ life. It hasn’t quit turned out the way I thought it would, it’s been a long year and one with a lot of obstacles I have constantly had to try and jump over, and some not as successfully as others. Despite all of this, with a tiny bit of optimism and perspective I have been able to make a decision. I have decided to stop forcing a life I dreamed of having, just because it seemed perfect! If it’s not perfect for me then it’s not worth it.

So, I’m giving up studying film while living in London. Not because I’m lazy (I have had to stop calling myself this) because it’s not making me happy, and if it’s right for me then I should be happy. The problem with giving up with a university course is that you instantly become a university drop-out, a stereotypical lazy person who will get nowhere. That is exactly how I looked at myself when I realised that staying at this university was making me a different person, a more angry and pessimistic person. As I thought about giving up however, I became even more upset and a lot angrier. Who was I to be this depressed, nothing earth shattering has happened to me, I had money and a roof over my head, family and friends at home, and a lot more than a lot of people have. But I was still at a crossroads with no idea where to go.

The problem with a dream, is just that… a dream. Most of the time you overthink this dream, so much so that it becomes somewhat unrealistic. However, sometimes it’s too real but you just aren’t as happy in this dream as you pictured you would be. This is what happened with me and London. I would day dream about moving to this big city, being busy all of the time and loving my university course. Realistically I’m a student who can’t afford the luxurious life I pictured (thank you Instagram) and my course really isn’t for me.

The point of this post is that as much as I hate saying I’m giving up, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And if I’m honest with myself this isn’t the last time I will either, because in some cases you have to in order to try your hand at something else (so much cheese in this post it’s unreal). So yes, I’m going to give up and drop out of university. But that’s all I’m doing, I’m not giving up on any career or even film. Just this university. So, if anyone else is going through something similar don’t be put down by the label people give us, or even what we give ourselves. Giving up on one thing to move onto something else isn’t failing, its teaching you that sometimes you have to stop forcing a situation to work for you, when it just isn’t going to. In my opinion it’s brave to give up and walk away, rather than staying somewhere that you know makes you unhappy.

 

 

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